John Urrea
December 21, 2007
Have you ever experienced or are you now experiencing one or more of the following symptoms?
—Slumping posture
—Declining performance
—A feeling that the world around you is growing blurrier
—Wincing, grimacing, or any other facial affect seeming to reflect a sense of disgust and/or regret, as if you are still breathing in the fumes of a turd you just heaved to Steve Swisher, or as if you are bracing for Steve Swisher to hurl the turd back at you, or, worse, as if you no longer have the likes of even so much as Steve Swisher around and are instead staring from your demoted location into nothing but the blurred, uncertain future
—A persistent burning sensation
—A tendency to drift, passively, i.e., not by choice, i.e., as if you are constantly getting put on a bus and shipped to a realm of ever-lowering expectations
—A sense that your mounting failures are being recorded and will, ironically enough, be used to explain your imminent removal from the ranks of those whose efforts are worthy of being recorded
—A sense of being haunted by the promise of the past, as if you were drafted in the first round five years ago, or as if you led the Florida League in wins four years ago, or even as if you were your franchise’s Farm Team Pitcher of the Month three years ago, but now you are no longer rising but at best are treading water, but more likely you are sinking, and this haunts you, because it wasn’t supposed to be like this, you and Steve Swisher staring at one another at the edge of the abyss, the residue of turd on your hand, or even worse, Steve Swisher and the hurled turd itself a fading memory of better times as you and your decaying posture and persistent burning sensation and sense of accruing losses watch the blurred world outside your bus window scroll past like the hiccuping loop of anonymous landscape in a cheap cartoon
—An increasing feeling of needing to go
If you find any or all of these symptoms familiar, you may be suffering from Urrea.
Cardboard Gods 
1. And if you have Urrea, suffer no more. Ask your doctor about Vukovichia. Once a day Vukovichia can cure symptoms of Urrea, and is also effective against certain strains of Mumphrey. Side effects may include mild agita, groin strains, and replacement-level k/bb ratios. Erections lasting more than four hours, while rare, are entirely plausible while using Vukovichia, even if you are pregnant or nursing. Should this occur, stop taking Vukovichia, induce vomiting, and call your mortician immediately.
2. His uncomfortable gaze is probably directed towards a hand that has just appeared and inscribed the words: MENE MENE TEKEL UPHARSIN. You have been measured on the balance and found wanting.
3. I’ve never suffered from Urrea, but I had a bad case of Red Ponson for several years. Eventually I just transmitted it to Tony La Russa.
4. 1 : Naturally I’m suspicious of the claim that this treatment may positively impact Mumphrey. From what I understand once you have Mumphrey your only hope of alleviating your discomfort is an illegal injection of OmarMoreno (available only on the Panamanian black market).
5. His full name is John Goody Urrea. I am not making this up.
6. I often thought of this pitcher’s name in the same way back in the day.
7. The mysterious and little used turd ball is a difficult pitch to learn and one impossible to master. How many pitchers have been unable to make it to, or stay in, the major leagues because of the lack of a turd pitch?
8. He was part of the Urrea Seaman Swisher-Fingers trade.
9. Was this shot at Wrigley? I see an ivied wall, but am not sure about anything else. I’m all stuffed up, which doesn’t make for my best mental condition.
10. 9 “I see an ivied wall, but am not sure about anything else. I’m all stuffed up, which doesn’t make for my best mental condition.”
Sounds frighteningly close to the early stages of Mumphrey.
11. It was more like a full-blown case of Hrabosky. The worst appears to be over, but it wasn’t fun.
12. 9 All Topps Products in the Rainbow cookie cutter era were either photgraphed at Wrigley or Commiskey and the swamplands or the deserts of the preseason. BTW I once had a case of Enrique Romo, but it was cleared up when customs agents at the border said it was caused by Dick Sharon!!
13. I find that Vukovichia also helps whenever I have a Remmerswaal. But it almost always fails to relieve my constant Brohamer.
14. And here I thought that too much Dick Sharon could lead to a case of Herges.
15. I once got a Quisenberry on my Jaha from riding on a tractor in my bathing suit.
16. That’s the tractor story?