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The Bad News Bears in Breaking Bad

July 19, 2012

I haven’t been sleeping much, writing much, or doing anything much except spotting my never-sleeping 1-year-old as he careens around on his wobbly new walking legs as if maniacally intent on smashing his head against every sharp corner in creation. I get a few minutes here and there and spend them working through the recently added Netflix stream of season 4 of Breaking Bad. (My one criticism of the show: the fucking baby on there is completely unrealistic, no more demanding to take care of than a cactus.) Anyway, it’s a weird life, living episode to episode, especially given that I worry about what happens when I run out of episodes. I’m so wrapped up in the story that it’s like being an addict. So this morning I was casting around in the Netflix streaming new arrivals, trying to line up my post-Breaking Bad methadone, and I noticed that The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training had joined the list. I already own the DVD, so this discovery didn’t make me whoop with joy, but it was nice, like seeing an old pal. And it worked on my mind in weird ways. Long story short, I got a multimillion dollar idea for a crossover project.

The Bad News Bears in Breaking Bad thought #1: The Bears’ van would have passed through New Mexico on the way to the Dome.

The Bad News Bears in Breaking Bad thought #2: How’d the Bears get home from the Dome?

The Bad News Bears in Breaking Bad thought #3: Maybe they get the van out of impound and go for one last adventure.

The Bad News Bears in Breaking Bad thought #4: The van breaks down in New Mexico.

The Bad News Bears in Breaking Bad thought #5: While going for help, Ogilvie and Engelberg stumble upon an RV.

Excerpts:

Scene 22.
Jesse [whispering]: I’m just sayin’, yo, we need a crew.
Walter [whispering]: But they’re just kids.
Ronzonni: Hey, whoa, who you callin’ a kid?

Scene 34.
Jesse: Yo, I told you I don’t have any more of that shit.
Amanda: Come on, man, just a taste.

Scene 46.
Ogilvie: To pay for Lupus’ treatment, we need to move 37 pounds of the product at a rate of—
Engelberg: I’m starving.

Scene 47.
Engelberg: Three grande family meals, pronto.
Gus: Very good, sir. May I ask where did you acquire that very tight-fitting Kenny Rogers T-shirt?

Scene 59.
Ahmad: We’re goin’ to the joint! We’re goin’ to the joint for sure!
Rudi [noticing ad on bench]: “Better call Saul”?

Scene 63.
Rudi: But I don’t wanna get hit by a billy club.
Saul: Hit? Lightly grazed. Smooched, practically. Hey, kid, you wanna win this case, doncha?

Scene 72.
Mike Ehrmentraut: If you’re gonna do something, you better not miss.
Kelly: I don’t miss.

Scene 94.
Walter Jr.: Y-you guys s-suck at baseball.
Tanner: I’ll fucking kill you, you cruddy cripple.

Scene 107:
Walter: Well, we finally meet.
Buttermaker: Look, mister, I clean pools, but this is ridiculous.
[Pause]
Buttermaker: Is that an eye?

***

For more on the inexhaustible wonders of the Bears, please check out my ode to The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training.

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